Don't Be Deceived By the Crystal Blue Waters of Maui

KARA: When it comes to travel, I'm like Woody Allen. I'm afraid of plane crashes. I'm afraid of rare tropical diseases. I'm afraid of food poisoning. I'm afraid of getting into a cab in a place where I don't speak the language, being driven to a secluded location and being forced to marry into a local tribe and forage for food for the rest of my life. The closest I get to foraging for food now is the express line of my jam-packed local deli, and when they don't have the newest issue of Us Weekly, I get testy. When it comes to roughing it, well...I don't.

Brian and I just booked our honeymoon to Maui. We picked Maui because it seemed like a fair compromise between Australia (his choice) and the comfort of our living room (mine). Who wouldn't want to spend ten days frolicking in crystal blue waters? Good question. I should probably mention that in addition to being paranoid, I'm also a miser. But why should we spend thousands of dollars traipsing through airports and security lines, dishing out big bucks to stay in sterile hotel rooms, when we could save all that cash and stay home? Thanks to my fat collection of takeout menus, I have the culinary world at my fingertips.

Spa treatments? Queen Helene's Mint Julep face masque, $3.99 at CVS, thank you very much.

Entertainment? Netflix plus HBO. You can't really do better than that.