Cough! Ptooey! Frantic Speed Racer Spews Toxic Fumes
Wachowski Brothers drag Susan Sarandon into an orgy of CGI; Tim Robbins battles Manhatttan aural assault. Plus, desperate househusbands pay overtime to hot Babysitters
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SPEED RACER
Running Time 129 minutes
Written and directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski
Starring Emile Hirsch, Susan Sarandon, Christina Ricci, John Goodman
Even for summer trash, this abomination by the creatively challenged Wachowski brothers is a train wreck so bad that words literally fail me, but I will say it looks like somebody ate 25 cafeteria Jello-O congealed salads and then threw up all over the sets. Happily, I was out of town for Iron Man and have no intention of catching up, but slashing whatever I.Q. points I saved was Speed Racer, an obnoxious two-hour-and-15-minute tribute to noise and Fiestaware from the muttonheads who polluted the planet with the Matrix trilogy; it’s pretty much in a garbage pile of its own. Summer isn’t even officially here yet, but for me Speed Racer fires the opening shot for what threatens to be a three-month school-vacation Marvel-comics festival of violence, stupidity, junk and unsaturated fat, aimed at morons with I.Q.’s of 40 and under, and starring assorted hulks, Spider-Men, Batmen, ninjas, robots, superheroes that are anything but super, and Adam Sandler. Few summer movies promise to be more nauseating than Speed Racer, unless you count the one with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as siblings (you need a barf bag just for the trailers).
Speed Racer is everything I despise about what passes for filmmaking today, overwhelmed as it is by digital effects, Japanese animation, buzz-saw CGI combined with live action, 3-D storyboard animation, Asian martial arts, and flying racing cars dubbed automotive “Car-Fu”; there’s no way to underestimate the paralyzing boredom of it all. All attempts at dialogue, human relations and the sign of a real heartbeat are decimated by a triteness that reduced the preview audience to screams of laughter. But there, wandering open-mouthed with bewilderment through the ugliness and eardrum-puncturing cacophony, are people like Emile Hirsch, trashing his reputation from Into the Wild; John Goodman, in an old Shirley Temple wig, and Susan Sarandon, of all people, as his parents; and Christina Ricci, dressed like a pinafored Finger-Me doll and looking like Little Lulu, as a girlfriend-companion since childhood named Trixie. Based on the plotless Japanese TV cartoons that invaded American after-school living rooms in the 1960’s, the movie limply tells of the racing-obsessed Racer family, a suburban coven from Leave It to Beaver who live in a tangerine-flaked fruit-loop world that looks like a Peter Max nightmare, with Pops Racer (Goodman) designing psychedelic racing cars in his garage; Mom Racer (Sarandon) serving up cherry red food and green coffee in orange cups; Speed Racer (Hirsch), who dreams of racing his Mach 5 in something called the Casa Cristo Classic 5000; bratty kid brother Spritle (played by a butterball who babbles so incoherently you can’t understand a word he says); and a karate-chopping chimpanzee that brains the bad guys with a “monkey wrench”—get it? These are the laughs. All of them mourn the early death of older brother and family champ Rex Racer, who crashed and burned, but nothing depresses this family long—not even their cotton-candy world that seems drawn with a kindergarten 100-size box of aqua, topaz, pomegranate and purple Crayolas. Yes, there are villains: a rival diver called Taejo Togokahn, played by forgettable Asian pop star Rain in his American film debut; and a corrupt corporate tycoon named Royalton (Roger Allam), who fixes races and runs his cartel in a speeding truck, where he feeds his enemies to a tank of hungry piranhas. Trying to seduce Speed into the cartel, he takes the family through an assembly line replete with owls, penguins and gilt-edged gambling casinos, like a futuristic space ride at Disney World. When Speed turns down the offer to become rich and famous, Royalton declares war on the entire Racer legacy. Backed by another sponsor, Speed gets into the big race, spouting reams of teenage drivel about tire shanks, battery boosters and activation shields, while girlfriend Trixie pilots a helicopter overhead. The acting consists of a lot of teeth-clenching, eye-narrowing and mouth-gaping, but there’s nothing here to play anyway. Here are a plethora of good actors visibly enjoying their paychecks in front of saffron yellow rear projectors, but there’s no trace of humanity in anything they do or say. To save Pops’ motor company, Speed teams up with Racer X (Matthew Fox from TV’s Lost), a racing deity who takes it upon himself to act as surrogate older brother without ever removing his mask. Although the audience is now raising the roof with belly laughs, Speed is the last one to recognize his long lost brother Rex with a face lift.
The race goes on for half an hour. But this movie is determined to break one more record. It wants to be the first movie in history that never ends. There’s still the Grand Prix to endure, but first they have to invent a new car that flies, with Trixie drilling holes and Mom feeding everyone peanut butter. Nothing in it makes one lick of sense. When people say things like “You don’t do it because you’re a driver—you do it because you’re driven,” you just cringe. If this is supposed to be some loud science-fiction, alternate-reality universe, then why, when the blasting crunches, squealing brakes, screeching tires and revved-up motors quiet down long enough for Speed and Trixie to park in Lover’s Lane, are lush soundtrack strings playing “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” by Rodgers and Hart? Even when people pucker up to form words, they compete with a pointless synergy of stop-motion camerawork and a heavenly choir yelling “Hallelujah!” in tempo. The press notes quote producer Joel Silver on the Wachowski brothers: “They wanted to change the way you see movies again.” They failed. Speed Racer makes you want to never see a movie again as long as you live. I can sit through just about anything, but I draw the line at two hours and 15 minutes of fuchsia vomit. To suffer through this kind of hell, movie critics deserve combat pay.
What a self-righteous, mean hearted article.
Fine.
Lets begin here: If you intentionally missed IRON MAN you have no right reviewing anything which is remotely based upon comic book/cartoon/pop culture lore.
You’re an elitist. Not the fun kind. Not the nerdy, fanboy kind like Kevin Smith.
You’re that kind who expects the best seats at a restaurant.
Yes.
So… angry about all the lunch money that was forcibly removed from you as a child, you now sit on your perch and spew reviews about all the things which make you feel better than the masses. Who incidentally loved Iron Man.
Again.. fine.
But … why review a genre that you obviously hate?
Your review is slanted from the start – and slides downhill with the resonance of derision with every wincing word.
Not a fun review of a fun, lighthearted playful summer movie -- which was meant to be....you guessed it - fun.
Not the unbiased comments of someone who just wants to report on what he saw.
No. Your "report" was just a nasty attack.
As if we need more of that.
Why?
You know… you sound an awful lot like Hook….angry about losing his inner child.
Sure you do.
Or worse yet, you sound like Hook --- scolding these two Peter Pans for all their wonderful Make Believe…
“ Captain James Hook: [to Peter] You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, who's obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children. “
- Hook, 1991
Hm. Yeah. Same tone.
Mean.
(Did you hate that crazy little MATRIX film too? Those crazy Wachowski boys – such idiots, eh? )
As for this article, you missed the point. Of an unbiased review. Of a fun family film.
Of being a little boy, scooting around on the floor with your Hot Wheels, imagination fueled by those very words “ GO ! GO !GO ! “
Maybe … it’s time that you did.
Actually, Tivius, I think you missed the point. Rex Reed is a critic, and this is a movie review--not a straight news story--which means it's all about being "biased." It's his opinion. He's also reviewing Speed Racer for the readers of the New York Observer--and they're not the kind of people who enjoyed Iron Man.
Tivius captured my reaction exactly.
Mr. Reed are you angry about something?
I'm not sure how much you know about, or care about, children, but it seems that never once did you consider the structure and presentation of this film through their perspectives.
The film was obviously made for "families". Is that something you know much about? I have seen Speed Racer and was awed by it's ability to tune itself to the wavelength of today's younger generation.
You are out of step. Great movies are made in all forms for all types of people. Every variation and spectacle is pleasing to a different segment of the public. As Tivius implied, you don't exist within the public. You seem to exist, in your mind, within some palace of cinematic wisdom.
I think you need to consider moving on.
John
So you've already written off every summer movie. Why bother reading your reviews when you don't even expect to like any of them? You've just given me a reason to never come here to read your reviews. So much for going in with an open mind. I don't care that you didn't like Speed Racer but you pretty much just admitted that everything released this summer will be crap without having seen the other films. Thats not what a film critic is supposed to do. They pay you for this? The only fuchsia vomit I see here is that review.
Great review, expect mountains of illegible vitriol from fanboy morons though
Regardless of the movie's poor quality, your style of writing--somewhere between bitter diatribe and masturbatory self-awe--only serves to insult and and anger potential readyer, as you can see by the other comments here.
above, Id say hes earned it, the guy loves movies and you cant blame him for getting pissed off at the shit hes forced to watch
Why bring Iron Man into this discussion? I don't really care for Speed Racer and am not even sure I'm going to go see it, but I'm not instantly drawing the conclusion that it's a lousy movie, the way you have done, sight unseen, with Iron Man, which a very large number of critics like you purport to be appear to like very much. You aren't doing your credibility for this review or in general any favors by writing off a movie you haven't even seen. In fact, Mr. Reed, that sounds more like the idiotic narrowmindedness of the fanboys you most likely look down upon than the attitude of a real critic: don't knock it till you try it.
And people wonder why critics are largely viewed as useless...
You are absolutely the worst writer I have ever had the pleasure of reading.
It's not your syntax or your prose that's at fault, but your delusional sense of self-importance. Your words are drenched with ego. Buddha would die of a heart attack, his arteries clogged with your self-importance, if his eyes were to ever chance across your wonderfully narcissistic ravings.
The fact that someone might actually be paying you to fart all over your keyboard brings a smile to my face.
Carry on, Mister Reviewer. Continue spraying your fecal thoughts all over the world. The more you write, the uglier the universe becomes. Huzzah! Huzzah!
Hold on, I don't think you were being snobby enough. Please find a way to bring in how you went to an Ivy league school and drink a whiskey that is so rare that it hasn't been discovered by humans yet. Then bash us all for liking these things called "movies," as well as those of us who like that new-fangled "recorded music," "tele-vision," and "books." For you, it's the classic oral tradition or nothing. In fact, you dictated this review to a secretary just because you hate to get near those plebeians on the Internet.
"So you've already written off every summer movie. Why bother reading your reviews when you don't even expect to like any of them? You've just given me a reason to never come here to read your reviews. So much for going in with an open mind. I don't care that you didn't like Speed Racer but you pretty much just admitted that everything released this summer will be crap without having seen the other films. Thats not what a film critic is supposed to do."
Bears repeating.
"Happily, I was out of town for Iron Man and have no intention of catching up, but slashing whatever I.Q. points I saved"
The author proudly announces a night of smelling his soiled underwear and scraping out what remains of his sense of fun.
At least watch the movie before you trash it.
While I don't get the hatin' directed at Iron Man, I totally understand where you are coming from with Speed Racer. Does anyone know how to make a movie less than two hours long, never mind one aimed at ADD kids?
Iron Man was great. This is absolute garbage. The W Bros got lucky with Matrix I and don't have another idea in their heads. Speed Racer is just a grotesque "people like colors says the focus group" pice of trash.
I rate all reviews by how many livid comments from retarded fanboys it gets. 4.8 out of 4.8
Sorry you have no inner child left in your soul. Why go to a kids movie to review a film that you know nothing of the original cartoon. I've watched the first few episodes to catch up for this movie. I watched this in the 60's & 70's and as an adult do look forward to the movie. When I sit in that darkened theater I'll fire up all those old memories of that long ago time when I watched Speed fight off ninjas and drive cars over dangerous mountain roads. The episodes I re-watched did have plots mister Reed and it seems many of those elements are in the new film. Crazy races and flashing lights, dramatic camera moves and monkeys hitting bad guys over the head are in the original anime so I think my inner child will be happy as pie. The original cartoon had a running plot about Racer X being his brother but Speed was always missing the chance to prove it. All of the things you bitch about are from the original show. As a 45 year old SPEED RACER fan I'll end up watching this on my HDTV while your out at some new years party getting your ass kissed because you were so smart to still not see IRON MAN- why you would skip IRON MAN but go to and review SPEED RACER, I mean did you review the POKEMON MOVIE or the CAREBEARS movies too? I would love to see those 2 reviews reprinted. Your IRON MAN comment was just stupid. IRON MAN was the first film I paid to see this year that I enjoyed paying for. When I go to see Speed later in the week I know going in I'm going to a movie made for 10 year old boys. Did you?
I feel that this condemning review could have been written just from being forced to watch the trailers. My Teenaged son even said, ‘That doesn’t look good.’ Thanks for saving me the wasted cost and time of even thinking about stepping into this crap.
Thank goodness for movie critics like Rex Reed. I'm still recovering from the insanity-drenched review by the empty-headed Richard Roeper (of the Chicago Sun-Times and that once-great TV reviewing show) that sent me to the lame "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Fortunately, we have writers like Reed who aren't afraid to tell the truth about garbage from Hollywood and other places.
I saw an advanced preview of "Speed Racer," and I completely agree with Reed. The movie is mindless junk. Colorful, but incoherent. Far too long. Wasting talented performers like Susan Sarandon, who has really sold out; John Goodman, who no longer cares about acting; and the promising Emile Hirsch, who offered hope for the future of acting with "Into The Wild," but now seems just another slug. As for the once-interesting Christina Ricci, well... sad, very sad.
Thank you Rex Reed for your review of "Speed Racer." It hits the proverbial nail on the head.
Attention all wounded Iron Man fanboys.
Why do any of you care what that fossil, Rex "Mercy, however did that Peggy Lee CD find its way into my handbag" Reed, has to say about anything? The man is a tool, and has been so for decades. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
you purposely didnt see one of the best reviewed movies of the year in Ironman and therefore lack any credibility whatsoever as a critic.
Why are you reviewing a movie that is obviously marketed towards children.
I supposed you think that Elmo is a complete moron that insults your intelligence.
pathetic.
I don't mind people being "elitist", but for a critic to make a snide remark about a film he hasn't seen (Iron Man) -- well that's simply unprofessional.
Are you gay, sir? You write like you're wearing a butt plug.
WOW, I think it is time you retire MR Reed. This is a fun family movie that is based on a cartoon. I think it looks amazing and can't wait to go see it. Sorry your too old and bound up from last nights trick to enjoy this film.
From one homo to a tired old bitter homo, you. Get off your high horse ya old troll. Know one cares what you think and who reads the New Yorker anyways? Not people who would go see this movie. Quit reviewing movies that are not your cup of tea, because lots of people are gonna loves this movie, including me.
PS, Iron Man rocked, sorry you didn't see it.
I still remember Rex's review for the remake of The Blob. It was absolutely hilarious and have been a fan since. Of course I don't agree with all of his positive or negative recommendations, but I like the fact that he doesn't pull any punches and lets it all out. His reviews are by far the most entertaining to read regardless of the movie or his opinion.
Keep writing Rex. I'll be reading.
I have to agree, Mr. Reed doesn't do much for his credibility when he prefaces his review with a knock against a movie he HASN'T EVEN SEEN. Pre-conceived notions are NOT desirable in a person responsible for offering IMPARTIAL reviews. Man, I'd hate to be a defendant with this guy on the jury. He'd probably already have me pegged as guilty based on my appearance or skin color. If he doesn't like or respect a certain genre, he shouldn't be in the business. I'm sure the guys at Road and Track aren't as happy about road testing a Hyundai as they are a Ferarri, but at least they do it unbiased. And to all the snobs saying how Speed Racer and Iron Man aren't mature, intelligent, or real movies, why are you even watching a movie anyhow? Take your smart butt somewhere and read a book to really put that mind to work. Video is for weak lazy minds like ours.
Rex Reed still has a job? LMAO!!!
I think the best description of that review is a mix of masturbation and a Nazi-like stance on anything fun.
That'll do pig. That'll do.
Has he seen a movie he's liked since The Birdcage? Psh.
Speed Racer is a great movie. Just saw it with my kids and it's a blast. Sure I'm the target market. I grew up watching Speed Racer and I was glad the movie was made.
They captured and updated Speed Racer perfectly. I loved it, my kids loved it, and everyone in the theater was hooting and howling during the fight scene with the ninjas.
I don't know why the critics all pan this movie? This is real entertainment. It may be mindless, but its fun.
EVEN THE NEW YORK POST GIVES IT A HALF STAR THE LOWEST POSSIBLE RATING!! WHAT ARE YOU DEFENDING THIS UNWATCHABLE PIECE OF CRAP FOR?